Gollee!
Gollee! Parenting
Chapter 1
Parenting Secrets Revealed:
Step One, Hide in the Pantry.
Step Two, Pretend You’re a Canned Good Until the Chaos Subsides.
How to Have Fun Raising Polite, Sociable, and Happy Kids by Teaching Kindness and Resilience in a Chaotic World—Featuring the World's Largest Library of Minced Oaths, Wacky Bedtime Stories, and Cute Cat Videos (See Chapters 12 and 19)
Written by Tom Dans, a Professional Politeness Enthusiast Who’ll Let You Go First—Unless You’re Rude, Then He’ll Have Both of His Cats Give You Disapproving Stares
We’re Still Under Construction 🚧🎭
Pardon the mess—more parenting-induced existential crises and so-called "wisdom" are on the way. We’re polishing the politeness and making sure it’s worth the wait. Stay tuned! ✨
Gollee! Parenting: Politeness Made Fun (and Slightly Less Painful)
The Funniest Way to Raise Polite, Resilient Kids—Without Putting Yourself Up for Adoption
Other parenting guides preach. Gollee! Parenting makes you laugh while teaching kids manners, kindness, and common sense—because parenting shouldn’t feel like a hostage negotiation.
Why "Gollee!"?
It’s charming, practical, and just old-fashioned enough to sound wise.
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A Nod to Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C – The politest man alive. If he could stub his toe and keep it G-rated, so can your kid. Plus, see classic sayings from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and The Beverly Hillbillies.
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A Clever Minced Oath – “Gollee!” is a harmless way to express frustration without scaring the neighbors.
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A Verb in the Making – One day, parents everywhere will say, “You need to gollee your kid before they insult Grandma’s cooking.” You actually can teach them to be polite without bribery or threats of exile.
Parenting Shouldn’t Be This Hard (But Here We Are)
We set out to write a book that magically teaches kids to be polite—without bribes, wizardry, or interpretive dance. The result? Gollee! A book packed with practical tips and the occasional cry for help.
It helps kids (and let’s be honest, adults) express frustration without swearing, brawling, or launching verbal grenades. Naturally, we included a minced oaths section—because yelling "Dag nabbit!" is far more entertaining than the alternative.
How Gollee! Works
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Recognize the Meltdown – You hear it… the classic tantrum starter: “I can’t believe this!”
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Replace with Kind Words – Instead of THAT word, they say, “Shucks!” Now your furniture stays intact.
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Celebrate the Win – Points, badges, and a family leaderboard keep everyone rooting for good manners.
Because ‘Stop Saying That!’ Isn’t Working Anymore
Instead of dry lectures, Gollee! offers playful solutions: fun phrases, creative games, and strategies that reduce the number of awkward public tantrums and make them into teachable moments. We’ve packed it with wisdom and bedtime stories by nutty authors to ensure bedtime ends in laughter, not a hostage situation.
No Kids? No Problem.
Even if parenting makes you break out in hives, you’ll still enjoy this book.
Whether you’re dodging kids in grocery aisles, keeping houseplants somewhat alive, or promising your soul to the void just to escape another round of 'Baby Shark' on repeat, you'll be rethinking that cave-in-the-mountains plan.
(Here's a link to Baby Shark: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqZsoesa55w)
This book includes a chapter on boundaries for everyone that won’t just knock your socks off—it’ll politely but firmly insist they stay off.
Gollee—Because teaching manners shouldn’t feel like wrestling an octopus in a tub of jelly.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - Introduction to Gollee! Parenting
These oaths are so gentle, they apologized for taking up space in this book.
Chapter 4 - Boundaries
Part 1 - How to Say No Without Faking Your Own Death
Part 2 - No, You May NOT Have My French Fries
Part 3 - No, You May Not Rename My Goldfish or Reupholster My Cat
Part 4 - Polite Ex Shutdown Ideas - How to Say 'We’re Done' Without an Ambulance Ride; Funny Yet Polite Ways to Tell an Ex to Get Lost NOW
Chapter 7 - Once Upon a Yawn: Bedtime Stories for the Truly Exhausted
Including The Jessica Miaow Cat Swap
Chapter 8 - Mark Twain, aka Samuel Clemens
Whitewashing Fences and Reputations Since 1835
Chapter 9 - Epithets From England
Pip Pip and Pish Posh: English Tea and Insults
Chapter 11 - Why Is There Applesauce on the Ceiling?
Chapter 12 - Congratulations on Your New Kitten or Puppy! (You’re Raising It, Not Your Kid.)
Chapter 15 - The Ivory Tower of Piano Power
Chapter 16 - A Parent’s Guide to Teaching Teens to Drive
"This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Cars"
Chapter 17 - The Parent's Journal: Your Parenting Sidekick
Teaching Kids to Say ‘Please’ Before They Start Monologuing in the Rearview Mirror
Chapter 20 - Sassy Kids, Toy Destruction, and the Parenting Nuclear Winter
Chapter 21 – Hosting Horrible Houseguests: A Survival Guide (Since Doing Jail Time Isn’t Worth It)
Chapter 22 – The Teenager Codebreaker: Cracking the Enigma of Shrugs, Grunts, and Sighs
Is Your Teen Communicating or Just Practicing for a Career as a Disappointed Statue?
Raising a Kid Who Can Outsmart a Bully Without Becoming One (or Needing a Lawyer)
Chapter 24 – Forks, Napkins, and the Fine Art of Not Eating Like a Barbarian
Because Civilization Is Just One Elbow-Off-the-Table Away from Total Collapse
Chapter 25 - Boring Bedtime Stories
Tales So Dull, Even Sheep Stop Counting Themselves (...and many more on the way)
Chapter 26 – Snappy Comebacks: Because Sometimes "I Know You Are, But What Am I?" Just Isn’t Enough
Training for Verbal Gymnastics: Outwit, Outsass, and Walk Away Smiling
Chapter 27 - This Chapter Intentionally Left Blank
The Universe is Empty, and So Is This Page
Chapter 28 - Bedtime Stories So Boring We Dare You to Finish Them
Some friends you'll meet:
Well, Gollee!
Hear it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSpBwt4hFN8&t=3s
Gomer Pyle (Jim Nabors) and Sergeant Vince Carter (Frank Sutton) in Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., 1964-1969
About the Author:
Tom Dans has spent decades tuning pianos in homes of every shape, size, and level of household mayhem.
Along the way, he has also become an accidental expert in dodging airborne sippy cups and settling musical disputes between siblings who both claim they just practiced.
He’s been greeted by cats who think keyboards are sunbathing spots, dogs who believe howling is a collaborative art form, and toddlers who have far stronger opinions about piano benches than he ever will. One particularly hard-nosed negotiator refused to surrender the bench because it was, in fact, a rocket ship.
Despite the noise, distractions, and an ever-growing suspicion that some pianos resent him personally, Tom firmly believes that kindness—like music—can bring harmony to even the wildest households. (Or at least lower the volume a notch.)
Inspired by the unshakable politeness of Gomer Pyle and Jed Clampett, he wrote this book to offer parents a few laughs and a slightly less hair-pulling approach to raise sociable, well-mannered kids.
When he’s not wrangling pianos or pretending to be an expert on parenting, Tom can be found with his beautiful wife, engaging in thrilling activities like watching TV, researching obscure word origins, and listening to old-time honky-tonk piano recordings by Winifred Atwell that deliberately sound like they were tuned by someone holding a grudge.
Edited by Bertram I. Neverheardofhim